Life is Freedom, Freedom is Life'

Reason why I am single ?
Yeah I thought about it for quite some time . Then i buggered my friends, thinking maybe they knew me better than myself. Surprisingly even Disha didn't.
(Disha is my good friend cum mentor)
She told me she had no effing idea. Then it hit me, why the hell would she? When i finally sat down in front of this blank screen, the answer came to me :

1. KARMA is a bitch.
    Whatever bad I did in my past relationships this was karma biting me in the ass and shoving off the dirt up my hole. Call me naive, jerk or a classified asshole, I've had my share of hurting people, double dating, and basically an amalgam of stuff you're not supposed to do. Name it, I've done it .

2. EGO plays an important role.
    I mostly don't talk to people (except closed ones which includes my Mom, Sis, and few friends)
because I don't need to . If someone talks to me or asks for any kind of help I do whatever I can. But I'm not the one to walk up and talk to people. Even if I like a girl, which happens for about 4-5 times a week, I sit there on my shy ass waiting for the sun to come out of my pants .

3. I LOVE MYSELF MORE, MUCH MORE.
    Most of you have read somewhere or watched in movies, but on an honest note, it's the quality of every Piscean that they love themselves and they can barely manage to spare some time for some special people in their life . I'm on a worst pedestal. I just can't do it. So this is where i get awkward.

Have you ever left your girlfriend in a shopping complex where she is wasting time selecting what will suit her or not . Girl you have such a sexy body, throw on anything .Why to think ?
We were in a relationship of nearly a year but as soon as she got inside to try out the dress she selected I vanished. Yeah because I didn't want to listen from her one more time that 'even this is not good' and then i have to wait for another hour or long .  I left and was not in a mood to pick her phone because my first priority is BUTTER CHICKEN .
I got to know in the evening only that she had called her father to pick her up.

These are very useless things but there are even more which i couldn't discuss here .
What kinda girl I love ?If you call single day, seven day or thirty day long flings as relationships, then yeah, I have been into many. But every time I bump into a cheesy, extra possessive girl with a lot of commitments seasoned with jealousy, I just storm off through the door.
At 3 in the morning I just cannot make her feel good because she had a fight with her best friend or I cannot please her because we had a fight in the midnight , or she just randomly calls to disturb my sleep and say 'I am not able to sleep' nor I can say 'iloveyoutoo' to someone whom I have just met a month ago.
Mostly my break up have just 3 reasons or there would be more if I don't cut the phone call which pisses me off . Here's what I listen to, the sound of break up :

1. You don’t give time to me

2. You don’t give time to this relationship

3. I don’t see any future of our relationship 

We don’t have much pictures together, we don’t walk like others (here they means walk holding each other hands), we don’t talk the whole night, when you’re with me at any restaurant you just eat food and never look up to talk to me . 
Can you explain to me : Are photographs the reason behind love?
I cannot talk the whole night because college life is so hectic , then there’s  gym, followed by dinner and finally, sleep .
If I am feeding my stomach then I do not even care about my parents so I hope you can  now understand.

Next time you tell them that why you broke up with me then tell them the good reasons that are true.
I know they’ll take your side (because mostly people are dumb in love , as I have heard it from somewhere or even if your single male friends listen they’ll bitch just because they can see your and their future together :P )

But bro, what’s with the 3^rd point?
A future?
We’re just 20 and haven’t  finished our studies, a career is left and you have decided our kids’ name (though you’ll disagree because fuck off).
I hate these type of sentences in my life .
Why I always bump into extra possessive girls?
And GOD says, everything happens for a reason and there is always a good cause.  Ah! Maybe that is why I am single.

Now here is what I love :
I like independent girls though I am not much independent but partially I am . I depend on my MOM for my pocket money and extra bucks for the diesel of the car .
If we are in a relationship please don’t flaunt it.
If ‘we’ are , people will see .
Photographs should not define ‘US’
Sitting in a movie hall pisses me (exception are there if we are watching fiction or racing movies), rather go out on a long drive on a bike or a car or play paint ball .
(I remember playing counter strike with one of my girlfriend and it took me about hour and a half to teach her how to play it. Every time she just bumped in and killed me and at last I had to put friendly fire off but I quit the game . How can they have problem when we don’t have problem in putting on clothes to nude models in the game? (I used to do it when I was very small , 6^th or 7^th grade . :P)
If we are in bed , I just want to be in bed and not somewhere b/w playing myself just because my girlfriend phone rang up and she’s busy telling her mom that she’ll be late today or giving a call to her friend that I and my boyfriend are at his place .
If we are in bed I just want to enjoy that very moment .
If we’re out and if I am tired of driving my girlfriend should be able to drive. (though i don't trust women drivers)
I believe in GOD and I believe in miracles . 
Else I can be in a bar enjoying some trance and having a drink in my hand and busy with my laptop and writing stuff about my life or giving advices to people or whatever they want from me .
I can travel alone, I don’t need anybody’s company.

BUT I STILL BELIEVE IN GOD AND HIS MIRACLES.

The Last Life !

And I have lost all hopes, I was crazy for you , I was so much dependent on you. Everything I did I was willing to ask you that whether I was doing it right or not . Yes, I was in love with you  . I never express my feelings to people and we should not. I kept it to myself, I was disturbed and this loneliness led me to depression .

Then I found  me , I had lost myself when I was with you . I was never the same but I could not find myself till now because of our separation. I expressed my feelings in words and then writing became my passion. I started my own blog. You don’t have to wait for the right time but stand up and learn from your past . A lover , who loved his girlfriend so much that he didn’t wanted to listen what were the wrong things . You were my life, but our love ended .

I started pursuing engineering , came away from home just to realize after a while that this was not my cup of tea . When I opened books, all equations was going over my head and much to this when I tried hard to study the questions appeared to be as bouncer . And then finally smoking weed and a bottle of whiskey became my best friends. But there was a hope in my loved ones that I could be a good engineer . I tried to explain them that this is not I wanted to do but what to say , they are always right . I took , but this time they were wrong .

Exploring new places, travelling to new cities , talking to new people and having a cup of tea with those strangers made my day . How they spent their lives, and their experiences in life , and moreover writing was my passion . In city of Dehradun you will not find what was in Delhi . This place is quiet, people are more frank and they do have time to look after their loved ones . Every village here has some specialty, in 3 out of 10 houses there is a plant of weed which is different from other places in Dehradun . People are happy in what they have . It is a small town where you’ll not find clubs , bars and Porsche societies and if they exist they are very few .

I have seen my own friends having passion for machines, computers and I stand nowhere . But still my loved one have hope that I will be a good engineer . There is not a single reason doing your work without passion ! I love to write and travel but they say its useless . I am going mad .

I wish she was here , she understood me when no one did . She had confidence in me because she had confidence in herself more . Our love story ended , And I cried when she died .

It's too late too APOLOGIZE'

And when you have something in your wits and you let it go then it’s too late to apologize.
This is something we all suffer or experience in our life.
After that one special thing is gone we regret .
We regret that for the one wrong mistake we’d committed, but time heals everything.
So what is the solution?
Do we need to regret for that one mistake or move ahead ?
The latter part is correct, as per my thinking.
Time variegate and then people also, so that one regret will disappear from your life once you start chasing your dreams .
Yes it is difficult sometimes but standing alone in the crowd will make you do something as you have taken your first step that is, think to chase your dreams .

Situation differ , taking advice from so many people lead to confusion.
So what is the best way to get rid of this situation?
‘Listen to everyone but do what your mind says’
because heart leads to wrong path sometimes but mind will always do the sensible talk.

CONFIDENCE , yes it is so easy to say this word to others who all are in problems,
but too difficult to apply on yourself .
Yes , a confidence on your face can prove a lie into a truth and no one will ever know .
Its your personality and confidence on your face that how maturely you deal with your problems, and the people mocking at you .
Stand up, look ahead , face your problems and MOVE ON’
Thinking too much can effect you and your loved ones .
How much time you will give thinking to the mistake you have committed?
Is it of use now?
NO .
Because Its too late to Apologize.

NEW BEGINNING !

How beautiful is todays weather ! (24/06/2014, Dehradun , 19:04)
It's been so many days that I had npt written anything on my blog, I was hustling with myself.
Past few days had not been so good, mostly my results .
Well , I should not be going off track, so lets start.



Actually , there comes a person in your life who makes your life so special that makes your mind go around or simply absurd in simple language.
I drooped the same thing few years back, I was depressed by my break up with her but I controlled myself .
I apologized for whatever I did , but situation was not under control .
Actually , we both needed some space but we didn't understood at that phase of time but everything is over between us now !

On 15/06/2014 I was in Noida with my friend and his big brother .
We were chilling and drinking like hell !
3.5 years past our relationship I avowed to his brother that still there is a malady in my heart that we should not have broke up .
Both of them looked intrusive and listened carefully to what I said .
After I had done with my shit , his brother told me about his past too and mostly there were similar predicament which he had also suffered but he confessed that mine was on a surpassing extent.
He told me and I listened, and then one thing , actually the most important in that conversation with him I found out 
He said to me "Why do you remember your past? Was it that good that you still are talking about it or it was the pain you experienced and there is still a malady in your heart to what happened with you 3.5 years back" .
My mouth was wide open and my both hands holding the beer bottle tightly !


I answered him that the latter part disturbed me the most !
"MOVE ON , ITS HIGH TIME . If your past was good then hold it otherwise just let it be" .

These were the lines he said to me and I don't know whether it was under the influence of alcohol or the lines struck into my mind that yes , dude its really a high time now !

Many people came before and said me things similar to those lines but I didn't wanted to listen or just simply ignored what they said .

It was Delhi weather or under the influence of alcohol , those lines just struck right into my mind and I changed .

Thank's to Sahil, Nishant and most importantly to HEINEKEN bottles.
I am living now and most importantly much happy :) 

LAST MEETING'

                                                  

                     

                           Untying your hair,
                           kiss on your lips
                           described what lust was
                           for you by me !

She rang up my mother’s phone to confirm if I had reached home or not .
We broke up, because we were intolerable to each other , no matter how much we loved each other .
At 4 in the evening, doorbell rang and she stood beside the gate, in a pink t-shirt and white shorts and we went to her house !
We both stared hard and tears ran from both of our eyes and came close to each other .She licked, bit my lips and I’d just put my hand on her back enjoying the moment knowing it is our last meeting .
I pulled her back from me because I knew this was not the thing to happen, the more I will spend time with her,
the more I will be wanting her . I walked away from her, and she walked and her hand hit my face .

Yes she’d slapped me hard just to make me remember that still I was her P____ 
Yes this was the name she’d given me . ( though I cannot mention that stupid name) .
We played with each other tongue’s and kissed like it was our last kiss , Yeah it was .
She unbuttoned my shirt and I pulled her t-shirt off and unhooked the strap .
She smelt so good that evening !
Yes it was that perfume which I’d bought for her, saving money since 3.5 months because she wanted it as her birthday gift, costing me around 15000 bucks.She was looking so gorgeous naked  and looking for something to cover herself but I hugged her .
The warmth of her body, her long breaths , I was feeling them .
She climb onto me digging her nails into my back and her teeth’s hurting my ear .
We went upstairs to her room just to make memories that would be needed in future just to remember how beautiful was this phase of time we spent with each other.
So patiently we made out , had we done this before?
Or it was just the lust and today we made love patiently .
I asked myself silently seeing the love bites on her body.
She looked gorgeous .

                              
Why you left so early from school today ?
She asked me .

I looked into her eyes kissed her on her lips and she responded me well .


She didn’t asked me that question again, maybe she got the answer , or it was me who didn’t wanted to waste even a single second answering to that stupid question. 

We recalled each and every moment we’d spent with each other , the classroom kiss, how a teacher scolded me cause I
just wanted to meet her , picnic from our school , and our dates at café coffee day.
There’s a lot more but it doesn’t  seems to be perfect for this post .

We finally woke up from bed and ran towards the kitchen to feed our stomach .
She demanded to make pasta for her, as I only knew to make pasta . ( I make delicious pasta though )
Tears rolled from her eyes because we were not able to meet again , I controlled myself and made her smile by doing all those
stupid acts I’d done before .
I did not knew how to love , until she came into my life .
From a carefree guy she made me realize my responsibilities towards my career , family and most important towards her .
We finished with the pasta and drove in her car .

Where? She asked .
Anywhere you wish , I said .

CCD,C.P ! From where our story started, she took me there .
Hiding from her, I was trying and controlling my emotions and succeeded until a chocolate cake approached our table and it was written,
‘ILOVEYOUSOVERYMUCH’
I failed to control my emotion and she sat beside me, controlled me and after that a huge amount of cake was there in my mouth which she forcibly had put in my mouth so that I could concentrate on my cake and not on my tears .
She kissed on my cheek clicking a photograph.
Shared only one cappuccino just to make sure we did not miss any moment which we’d spent earlier with each other .
                           

We left and I accelerated the car swiftly through Delhi roads , and reached my place .
Isn’t it early? She asked
Few hours more, please she requested .
I knew if we spend some more time with each other , then again those daily fights,
ringing phone endlessly and worrying about each other and after all that we will break up.
I reversed the car and parked at a nearby park and we sat on the bench where we’d carved out our names .
I made her understand what will happen if we stay with each other an hour or more .
She got my point , and without uttering a word from her mouth she kissed me hard on lips , and bit them.
My lips were bleeding .
                              
Time had come for us to bid goodbye for a good cause .
For our better future, for our own cause !
I was her weakness and so she was mine .
I hugged her tightly and kissed on her forehead , expressing love in a gentleman’s style .
We promised we would not meet again, nor keep any contact .
And after so many years we did not broke our promise !
*WE WERE NOT A COUPLE BUT A TEAM TOGETHER DARLING*   :*

And thanks for teaching me how to kiss :)

SOMEONE LIKE YOU'

The time has come,
for me to go.


Far away from the world of 'US'
still thinking ,
Was this just an infatuation, or more than that ..
I'd been running all in vain ,
to find it out !


I have dodged myself,
Who am I ? Why am I here ..
These questions often strikes my mind,
but the only solution,
I have found is go.

Yeah, the time has come,
for me to go.


I call myself as a secret admirer of you,
my whole life revolves around you.
Only you are on my mind day and night ..
But these things doesn't matter now .


All is know is the time has come,
for me to go.


Moments spent with you,
are inevitable from my mind..
I want to purge you out from my life,
cause I know i can't get those moments
and my love back .. !
No matter how much I LOVE YOU'
Till my last breath .


But time has come,
for me to go.
The time has come for me to go
far away .. from you and the world of 'US'
I AM GOING .. .. !

A Deceptive Relation'

Wish I could fly,
or rather I would die!
tumbling away from the hitch
is that the key?

I remember the letter you gave,
delineating we should part ways
                                                     
The commitment you made,
where it has gone?
Morrow of us,
is nowhere to be seen now !

Meticulous nature of mine,
desolated our relationship,
was this the reason,
or you made me believe it too !
              
Frivolous moments with you
pacified our relationship,
was this not much for yo
and you left me for nought!

 Every single moment of ‘US’
 remind me of you’
 was this the end,
 or you wanted more !

 A thought of not getting moved on,
 I am not  willing to consider at any cost,
 But for me ,
 Time has come for me to go .                                                   

Recollecting Grievous Moments'

WE GOT SEPARATED .
WE WERE NOT JUST A COUPLE BUT A TEAM TOGETHER !

            Every night I look on to the stars

                think how much we are uncordial with each other

                A deceptive relation, yeah it was !

                

                You said you were only mine 

                but you want to be with someone else

                the love which was given to me

                is now given to someone else .

                

                Those enchanting beautiful moments

                that we’d spent 

                everyone got jealous 

                 

                I generally try to omit the pain

                But your love does not move out of my brain .

                Those jolly & snappy moments spent with you

                I wish it comes back again

                A gentle touch from you 

                made me feel on the seventh sky .

                Can’t we just let go off our pride

                and be with each other  ?

                I said I love you

                I do commit my statement

                 

                Time variegate so do people

                I’d changed so did you .. 

                But the pain inside my heart

                Still remains the same

                Do you have a clue how

                I’d swayed myself after you left  ?               

                O' you don’t even have  clue !

             

                You think my love was fake

                but do trust me 

                loving you was my biggest mistake .

 

Writing this poem , I don't even know I want you back or not but the only thing I am aware is "I MISS YOU" .

Bound To SMILE'

               Who is he ,

               an elitist or an atheist
               A tramp or slacker .

                   
                    Bound to smile,
                    And he smiles .
                    No one to take care of him,
                    no one to please him .

                    Is it him ,
                    or the person behind the bars .
                    Yes he exists , for others
                    and not actually for himself .

                    He is lost,
                    in his own world, own terrene .
                    A support from her ,
                    will make him smile throughout the life.

                    Gone are the days
                    when he truly smiled
                    Today, just a smile on his face
                    Make others smile .

And you Let Her Go' .. ..

It started with Infatuation,

Ending up with feelings of you in my heart !

Time flunked not the feelings ,

Age difference doesn't matter ,

feelings does .

I'd been waiting all in vain,

So that we can be together

But you didn't wanted the same !

Dreaming how we will look,

Like a blessed couple 

All is that time has been running,

All in vain :/

I am frustrated with the fact that still

I am a kid, *you think about me*

But trust me this kid has started loving you.

Going through all the pain,
I'm suffering, I'm growing
Just to prove that i'm no longer a kid .

Opportunities separated us ,

Long distance relationship will not work.

Age difference separated us 

But trust me a gap of One Year was not at all an issue :/

I'd been waiting ,

Time will flunk

But my love for you will still remain 

the same :)

I need you to be with me ,

I found a reason to change within me 

And the reason is YOU'

(You will start loving this kid soon but 

you will not ever find the kid which

was within me)

I'm waiting STILL'

She walked away ..

Should I miss you?

And for what reason I should miss you?

You made me cry, for this I should miss you or for our never ending romance I should miss you!

The inestimable moments spent with you, 

Are always on my mind.

Hating you is just another way of saying ILOVEYOU.

                                   

                                   

Remember, people referring us as the cutest couple

Or rather insane I would say.

Our adamant bond,

Coming to school just to spent time with you,

And now I just remember it as a bale memory

A relationship, which taught me how to love,

 Is now nowhere to be seen, since you left.

You promised for one more try

Was that a lie or I heard it wrong ?

I candidly set you above all!

You made me realize about our relationship

The day you left me.

More than half a dozen times, you forgave me

for my deplorable mistakes.

You gave a note describing how precious was that time you spent with me .

You got off  the bench

where we had carved out our names .              

Making me feel dumbstruck .

The girl whom I’d taken for granted,

Has left me now .

I would not cry, I promised and why should I ?

Did I loved her ?

Yes, my heart replied.

I broke down, 

There was no one to take care of me..

No one to console me... Saying everything will be alright..

The love of my life has walked away…

Her eyes, Her smile, Her adorable presence which always mesmerized…

I cried, People called me insane because they couldn't feel my pain…

Forgetting this world.. I sit alone and think of you

Oh yeah! I miss you my love..
I miss you..

And you made me Independent..

Is it love or just an infatuation to be with you.. Years have passed and I'm still not able to move on .. Every single moment I miss you.. I cherish every moment spent with you.. Today I missed you so much in my life.. You moved on but I'm still there.. Don't know I still love you or its just a lust.. Childish acts done with you .. Excess possessiveness for you ruined our relationship .. I agree it was my mistake I agree, but the wasn't the end I wanted more from you I loved you and I still do.. I never wanted us to end this way Did you missed me.. even a single day when we broked up? I don't think so.. I still love you and I admit that.. I still can't forget our first kiss in classroom.. Your sparkling face.. How can I forget that? Do you still love me? I still think that you're upset with me.. But from core of my heart.. I confess I've never found a girl like you.. You said its the time for you to go.. I respected your decision! I'd let it go.. but you didn't.. Still somewhere in your heart you miss me.. So do I .. I love you.. come back to me.. come back to me..